


To Deny

by Jeanshard



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Infertility, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-12
Updated: 2014-09-12
Packaged: 2018-02-17 01:27:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2291876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeanshard/pseuds/Jeanshard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s so fucking infuriating. Arthur can only sit back and watch, watch the little Omega tart Merlin flock around the pack with that stupid laugh.</p><p>That stupid laugh that had been rolling round Arthur’s head for months.</p><p>(His omega, his. His omega that he could never claim).</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Deny

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So just wanted to post something because it's been so long :)
> 
> ALSO I am so hyped about Polomonkey's 'After the Heart Goes' like seriously go read it and cry 
> 
> OH OH OH HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THAT HOMELAND ADVERT WITH BRADLEY JAMES IN IT?!?!? AND HE HAS THE KIND OF AMERICAN ACCENT?!? HOW HYPED ARE WE I DON'T EVEN WATCH THAT SHOW BUT CLIPS.

It’s so fucking infuriating. Arthur can only sit back and watch, watch the little Omega tart Merlin flock around the pack with that stupid laugh.

That stupid laugh that had been rolling round Arthur’s head for months.

Arthur stayed sitting, wanting to tear his own skin off in frustration as Merlin flirted around some of the Alpha’s and Beta’s. Even from this distance, Arthur could see the other wolves lick their lips and their growing crotch’s. It was a miracle no one called Merlin a tease.

But then again, seeing as he often delivered his promise, it was no wonder.

Arthur didn’t realize he was on his way over to the Omega until he could smell him. All the other omegas smelt light and sweet, of honey, sugar, lavender and roses. Merlin did not. Unlike the others, he was usually outside, in the forests and rivers. He smelt of pine, earth, sunshine, rain, thunder, wind- he was an entire weather spectrum.

“Shouldn’t you be in the omega hut?” Arthur growled. The betas smiles fell from their faces and the other alphas looked sheepish. Arthur was second in command, lower than only his father, and he was feared and respected among the other wolves.

“Not unless I want to be.” Other than Merlin. As he spoke, Merlin gave Arthur a large smile. He hadn’t shrunk away from Arthur’s presence at all. For more than the first time, Arthur questioned if he was really an omega.

“You should be in the omega hut.” Arthur barked. The omega hut was one of the only places he could put Merlin where he would not accidentally run in to him or mistakenly scent him all through the woods. It was a place he could keep the idiot safe.

Merlin shrugged, out of convenience more than submission. It drove Arthur bloody insane; couldn’t Merlin just do as he was told, scurry off with his gorgeous blue eyes and leave Arthur in peace?

“Is that an order?” Merlin laughed. He stood up, all lean and slim and perfect, as he shook himself off and gave Arthur a searching look.

“Wait.” Arthur stopped, allowing confusion to fall over all the other wolves faces. “Just go away.” Merlin looked a little amused. “That was an order.” He snarled in his strongest tone. Merlin flinched a little, before he gave the group a lop-sided smile and wandered off. Nowhere near the omega den but still away from Arthur.

“Come on Arthur, the Omega’s a great laugh!” Gwaine grinned. “Proper decent lad, couldn’t leave him for a bit next time, would ya?”

“If you’re so desperate for a fuck, get mated.” Arthur snipped.

Omega sharing was disastrous. It led to in pack fighting, jealousy over who the omega belonged to. Arthur wasn’t going to risk his pack because Merlin was a little easy. He didn’t even have a whole claim to Merlin, and seeing Gwaine leer over in that direction made him want to tear things.

Because he did have a claim on Merlin, really, but it wasn’t one he’d made public. It was one he’d let slip through his fingers. He’d had to. A male omega, who had been injured and couldn’t carry children, was not an acceptable mate. Destiny be damned.

Soul bonds could not dictate Arthur’s life, not when he was the chief.

The rest of the pack looked grumpy, but they soon fell back into their usual habits of playing games and talking. Arthur lazed about with them, for a little while, long enough so they wouldn’t know what he was doing.

Killing time. Waiting, waiting for no longer than necessary. Waiting for the other wolves to forget where Merlin had gone, forget he’d even been among them. Waiting until Arthur could sneak off after Merlin and no one would wonder why.

When he felt the breeze shift, tasted the beginning of evening, he slunk away with the sounds of laughter at his back.

It didn’t take him long to find Merlin.

“Hello, hypocrite.” Merlin laughed, not even opening his eyes. He was strewn among the flower beds, head buried in shades of pale blue, green, orange, pink. And still, Arthur could see the pale slivers of his flesh, the shadows of his hair, poking out through the flora. Could still smell him, even through the petty scent of spring. 

Arthur grunted, neither confirming or denying. There was no point, Merlin would win the argument before it even started.

Merlin pulled himself up from the flower patch, limbs snaking out like leaves searching for sunlight. 

“Took your time.” Merlin stated, curling over so he was resting on his stomach. “Thought I’d have to get started without you.”

Merlin had been like this even before his accident. Maybe not so obvious about it, but he’d always been a needy little creature, perpetually in heat. Arthur had been so entranced by it, so differently to the other boys. Maybe more innocently, maybe less.

Either way, he had dropped Merlin to his knees, back, stomach, anywhere he could get him, any way he could get him. And he’d been the only one, the only person Merlin let have him, hold him.

Before Merlin had gotten himself hurt.

Arthur let out a growl, one that could make any alpha bend their head or any omega spread their legs. Merlin just twisted his head and grinned.

“Come on Arthur.” Merlin whined, starting to peel off his white shirt (and it was so see through there was almost no point in wearing it). “You made me *wait.*” He grunted, like it was a real punishment Arthur had put on him. “Made me want it more, more, more…” His hands had undone his trousers, slipped them past his thighs, and he dropped back down into the flowers. 

Arthur pounced. 

He landed on top of Merlin, who had a massive grin splattered across his face, and crushed their lips together. He felt Merlin bite him, fought to bite back harder. Merlin arched in to him, loving the anger, loving the pain, loving anything Arthur would give him. It made Arthur so angry, so guilty, made him hatelove Merlin all the more.

Merlin rolled them over, until he was sat on top of Arthur, straddling him. The sun was shining behind his head and it made him look like a mirage, a dream, and somehow he was still Arthur’s nightmare. Merlin bent himself down, sucking purple splotches into Arthur’s (now naked, when did that even happen?) chest. And he had no goddamn right to, omega’s could not mark an alpha, especially when they weren’t mated, and Merlin had no right to know how much Arthur loved it-

“Ouch!” Arthur yelped, feeling Merlin’s teeth graze in to his side.

“Pay attention to me.” Merlin whined, trying to tease but Arthur knew, Arthur always knew how desperate Merlin was. Just for him.

Arthur knew he wasn’t like this with the others. He’d heard them bragging, heard them fuck sometimes. He knew that Merlin was strong and powerful and in control. He knew that Merlin played them, only wanted to be filled, only wanted them to fuck him then they’d leave.

He wanted, needed, more from Arthur.

Arthur felt a pang, because he wanted to give more. Wanted to be more, he wanted to be everything Merlin needed from him. He wanted to tell Merlin why he was like this, why he made himself such a mess over Arthur. But he couldn’t, it would hurt Merlin, break his heart because there was no way he could understand.

Arthur listened, to Merlin whimpering and begging for more. He could do this. He could give him this. He could fuck him so hard in to the flowers that he’d smell like spring for weeks, he’d walk with a limp for longer, he wouldn’t look for anyone else because he’d be impossibly, magically filled.

“Yes.” Arthur groaned, feeling Merlin’s breath over his cock. Merlin snaked his tongue out, gentle little licks starting at the head of Arthur’s dick before he worked his way down. Arthur groaned, hands twitching at his sides to grab Merlin, to help him. He could feel Merlin’s smile against his hip. Merlin worked his hands up along Arthur’s thighs, one hand teasing the slit of Arthur’s cock as he began to suck into the flesh of Arthur’s thigh. As Arthur let out a moan of protest, Merlin’s mouth began to press kisses to Arthur’s shat again.

“Do you want more?” Merlin teased. He was trying to sound less desperate than he felt. “Want me to take you deeper?”

Arthur could, he could do it so easily. He could work himself in and out of Merlin’s throat like he was just a whole, knot Merlin’s mouth and leave him locked to Arthur for hours. He could use him, like Merlin said he wanted to be used.

But Arthur knew better.

“I can think of something better.” Arthur whispered. The words shouldn’t sit like that in an alpha’s mouth. It should be about conquering, claiming, taking. But Arthur couldn’t just take Merlin, couldn’t do that despite how much he needed it.

Merlin looked at him, and he still looked surprised. It didn’t matter how many times Arthur followed him. It didn’t matter however many times Arthur tried to take care of him, tried to treat him right. Merlin never thought he’d earn it, never thought he deserved it.

“You don’t… you don’t have to. I can make it good for you.” Merlin’s words sent a pang through Arthur’s chest. ‘You always do.’ He thought.

Arthur dragged Merlin’s face up to his, pressed their lips together and kissed him. He worked his tongue against the seam of his Omega’s lips.

His omega. Lips locked together, Merlin’s eyes closed and Arthur’s heart racing; it was easiest to accept it all here.

Arthur worked his hands across Merlin’s stomach, down to his ass and began to work himself in to Merlin’s body with his fingers. One, slowly, but Merlin was crying for more and Arthur needed to help him, couldn’t have him so hungry for more when Merlin was right there and Arthur could fix him.

“Please.” Merlin whispered. “Please, please alpha. Please, please, please Arthur.”

Arthur pressed a kiss to Merlin’s ear, neck, shoulder, and began to press himself inside. Inside his home, his love, his omega.

His secret.

***

“You should tell him.” Gwaine grunted, sat beside Arthur as they both watched Merlin lope about looking miserable.

Arthur wondered how Merlin didn’t guess. Merlin was clever, he was training with Gaius to become a physician, he was quick and he learnt things so quickly- he’d learnt to fish the same way Arthur had and he could catch salmon in days.

Arthur hoped he’d never figure it out. He hoped Merlin never found out that his soul mate couldn’t have him, no matter how much he wanted to.

“You know why I can’t.” Arthur snapped. He was so tired of this argument. There was no way he could ever claim Merlin, it would ruin Merlin, tie him down and take away his freedom. Arthur had seen what happened to his mother, how she would have to sit pretty at his father’s side and keep quiet. She had never complained, but Merlin couldn’t do it. Arthur couldn’t make him.

“Just because he can’t have pups?” Gwaine snapped, outraged on Merlin’s behalf.

“No. It’s more than that and you fucking well know it.” Arthur snarled, turning himself over and baring his teeth at Gwaine. He had no fucking idea, no clue what it was like to have to try and ignore everything he felt about Merlin.

“He’s going to figure it out.” Gwaine replied. “And he’s not going to forgive you.”

Arthur flinched, felt his heart drop and head start to ache.

“Maybe he shouldn’t.”

“He trusts you. He loves you, even like a friend. And you’re going to ruin him.”

“I can’t.” Arthur whispered. His eyes tracked Merlin as he hunched over by a tree, curling out of sight. “I want to… but I can’t.”

***

It was late when Merlin crawled into Arthur’s room. Arthur didn’t even bother ask him how he managed it, he’d learnt that Merlin was capable of incredible things when they were both children.

There were tears brimming in his eyes, tears that Merlin would never let fall but couldn’t keep any further away. 

Merlin wormed his way in to Arthur’s bed, let himself be pulled under the covers and let Arthur curl around him. 

“He, he’s not dead in this one.” Merlin whispered. “This time, he’s not dead. And we’re playing. And he’s laughing.” Arthur felt a pain in his stomach, and pushed his forehead against the back of Merlin’s neck. He made himself fit to the curl of Merlin’s back. “And so am I.”

Merlin was letting out sharp, choked sobs. Arthur snuck his hand along Merlin’s cheek, ready to stop a rain of tears he knew would never fall. 

“It sounds like it’s getting a little better.” Arthur whispered. It was the wrong thing to say, wasn’t soft or supportive enough. But Merlin’s nightmares were so vicious that he just needed to talk about them, paint them out like the gory pictures they were so they couldn’t taunt him. “It doesn’t sound so bad.”

But Merlin shook his head, trembles picking up again.

“No.” He said. “No, these dreams are so much worse. Because then I wake up, and he’s not alive. He’s dead.”

Arthur wraps himself in to Merlin’s sobs, hides them from the world in their blanket. He feels Merlin’s grief, feels it in his blood, his bones, his soul. 

And he keeps him warm, safe, whispering in his ear all the words he deserves to believe but never will.

***

The next morning, Merlin’s gone and Arthur hunts him down. Not that it’s difficult; he’s been able to find Merlin as easy as someone else would see the sun in the sky.

“Go away Arthur.” Merlin whispered, arching his back as he’s stooped over the river.

“You’ve not told me to go away since we were children.”

“Then it’s overdue.” Merlin replied, and he sounded tired. “You tell me to go away all the time.”

“I’m the alpha. I can do what I want. I can get others to do what I want.”

“You’re more than the alpha to me Arthur.” Merlin sighed, still not looking up from the trickling shades of the water. And Arthur had a quick jab of fear, remembering once there was a pup that drowned, remembering a girl who’d drowned herself in the water, remembering falling in as a child and dragging Merlin in with him. “You know that. You know I don’t just listen to you because you’re the strongest.”

Guilt, black, dirty and rotten, worming its way through Arthur’s thoughts. He hated himself because he couldn’t love Merlin. If he made Merlin his mate and they couldn’t have kids, it would be his parents all over again. And they ruined themselves.

“I know.” Arthur whispered. Arthur couldn’t stop himself, he felt the words wrestling with themselves at the base of his throat and he had to let them out. “But why?”

“I…” Merlin sighed, shook his head. “You know why. You know why you’re the only person I listen to.”

Then Arthur heard something that hurt him and saved him, something that he’d always wanted to hear and always wanted to avoid.

“Because I’m yours.”

It was silent, agonisingly silent. Arthur had imagined Merlin finding out one day, and screaming and crying and running away. But he didn’t imagine a quiet, hurt acceptance. He hadn’t imagined Merlin had known all those years and left it.

“When did you…”

“Probably when you did. And it stopped after… After that happened. And I decided to ignore it, ignore you, because you didn’t think I was good enough any more.”

“It wasn’t, it wasn’t because you’re not good enough-”

“But I couldn’t. Because I love you as more than that. And I hate you too. And I want to be good enough for you and I want to make sure I never speak to you again.”

“Merlin-”

“And it’s not fair!” Merlin howled, and he stood up so fast it made a large spray of water lash out behind him. “Because Will died and you stopped caring about me-”

“I never stopped caring about you!” Arthur shouted, and he stood up too.

“And I am so fucking alone! And I don’t know why!” Merlin was crying, now, Arthur thought it might be the first time he’d cried since Will died. But he didn’t know. He’d been so negligent and so selfish, and he didn’t know. “I don’t know what I… I just thought.”

Arthur clutched at him, wrapped his omega up in his arms and smelt his hair, probably even crushed him a little but he thought Merlin needed to be close.

“I have never, ever, stopped loving you. In my entire life. I have never stopped thinking about you.”

“Don’t fucking lie to me!” Merlin howled, thrashing, heart sore. “You stopped touching me! You let all those other, other people touching me! You just stopped caring because I couldn’t, I couldn’t give you all those… things.”

“Merlin.” Arthur whispered, and he felt his voice wobble. He thought that Merlin must have heard it to, because Arthur’s voice hadn’t wavered like that since he’d been little and his mother died. “I can’t, I can’t be those things to you.”

“You won’t try.” Merlin whimpered. “I, I don’t know what I did wrong.”

Arthur knows that this time, he can’t just rock Merlin and wait for him to fall asleep.

***

It’s hours later, so many that the sky’s gone blue to pink, orange to black, so black there’s not even a speckling of stars anymore, even the moon has vanished in the darkness.

And they talk.

They pour their souls out; Arthur shows his rotten roots that have kept him so grounded to his ideals. He tries to make Merlin see, tries to let Merlin understand that there’s nothing good of Arthur, he’d a gnarled and twisted fruit tree that only makes black apples. He tries to let Merlin understand all the things that Arthur can never be, that Arthur can’t leave the pack and be the mate Merlin deserves.

And Merlin doesn’t *care.* He doesn’t care that Arthur will never be entirely his, doesn’t care that Arthur’s thoughts will linger to other areas and he can’t be everything Merlin needs, doesn’t know how. Merlin wants anything Arthur will give, everything Arthur will give. 

And the rest are just weeds. They’ll tear them out. Arthur can soothe the dandelions of lies Merlin tells him to feel good enough, the clovers of Merlin’s other lovers, the burdock’s of the petty little troubles they’ve collected over the years.

And Arthur knows they’ll have a garden, stupid as it sounds. He knows the two of them can work it out, will work it out, together. Because they’ve been like this their whole lives, they’ve been each other’s their whole lives.

Maybe it just took time to realize it. But now he has it there is no way Arthur will let that go.

**Author's Note:**

> I will now beg for any attention you can give me, comments, bookmarks, kudos :)


End file.
